CHAPTER ONE - DECOCKTION
A violent thunderstorm rages over Danny's flat. Danny, aka the Monkey Wrench Kid, wakes up, but not because of the storm, he wakes up because he is being shaken by a huge hairy man. It turns out that the man is nothing less than one of Danny's semi-vital organs - it has become some sort of person or entity in its own right and has decided to leave him, and you can't really blame it. In an unbelievably dramatic and emotional scene, the strange hairy man tells Danny that he is leaving him because he is on a mission. There is a Tidal Wave of Change sweeping around the world which will bring about a Rebirth of the Feminine, a Rebalancing of the Sexes, an End to Patriarchy and a shift in Mankind's and Womankind's attitudes to one another and to the Environment. The strange hairy man has a vital role to play in this wave of change beginning with an appointment he must keep, An Appointment with Lady Destiny. The man, who wishes to be known henceforth as "King Magnus", helps himself to some of Danny's clothes, and his bike, and makes off down and out into the dystopia of Foulburgh below. Danny puts on his hi-viz storm/work gear and follows. By the time he reaches the ground floor the storm has vanished to be replaced by blistering heat and flat calm. King Magnus is vanishing in the heat-hazy distance while two other strange figures are approaching - two smartly dressed gentleman shimmering with their own blue-green light. They introduce themselves as the... Heebiegeebies!... and invite him to breakfast... he has the strangest feeling that he already knows them from somewhere... Now even more confused than he usually is, and beginning to feel distinctly poorly, but also hungry, Danny takes up their offer.
CHAPTER TWO - MY IMPORTANT WORK AT LOZZO INDUSTRIES
To colour in a bit of background to our strange tale, Danny tells us about his mysterious working life. Existing in a perpetual haze of bafflement and narcolepsy, he seems to have fallen by accident into some role as a general repairman and safety officer at the endless, sprawling Lozzo Industrial complex, in spite of knowing nothing at all about repairing things or about safety procedures and being completely without manual skills of any sort. None of this stops stop him from strolling around the infinite factories with a giant tool, eg monkey wrench, over his shoulder, doing his best to look important and useful, tightening things up and loosening things off from time to time, at random, with dramatic and sometimes explosive results. When he's not wandering cheerfully, aimlessly about he gazes out of the windows, sleeps, reads comic or makes Post-Industrial creations such as the Hello Machine, the Good Manners Machine and the Articulated Good Manners Juggernaut Machine, also with dramatic and explosive results. We hear about a deadly disease, Karmitis, which seems to have appeared from nowhere and is knocking people off by the thousand. Danny gives us some inside information on the Lozzo Security Patrols, the Lozzo Management Personnel, the main Lozzo products, (bombs and babyfood), his gigantic male and female co-workers, and on the Great Local Foulburgh Benefactor, Industrialist Lord Lozzo XIV himself.
CHAPTER THREE - BEINGS OF LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT
We are tranported back to the street outside Danny's flat. Seeing Danny looking so poorly, the Heebiegeebies decide to take him round for a treatment with local complementary therapist, Dr Krakk. The good doctor guides Danny into his own subconscious, a very odd sort of medieval, ancient-mechanical world, where he is able to reconnect old and new bits of his brain to compensate for the loss of that semi-vital organ, which is in fact his male organ of regeneration, and even helps Danny to upgrade his mental powers, not before time. Then they're off to the all day breakfast buffet at the Salivation hotel for a slap-up feed. Over a lot of sausages, bacon and eggs etc., etc., the Heebigeebies explain to Danny that they are in fact beings from another galaxy altogether, and that they have been making documentaries about Earth beings for a very long time, a series which is famous throughout the sentient universe. It's called "Earthenders" and is drawing huge audiences everywhere at the moment - there is feverish excitement in fact, because no being can believe that a species could be quite so stupid as to knowingly destroy its own life support biosphere. Will Humanity kill off all life on Earth? The suspense is almost unbearable. The Heebiegeebies and their audiences, however, are very keen that the Earthenders series should go on forever and ever and so they plan to nudge events on Earth in the direction of continuing life by teaching Danny some peacefaring techniques.
CHAPTER FOUR - EDRIGO
Now Danny tells us about his best, life-long friend, the artist and love-god, painfully-bright-redhaired Edrigo, who has made enough money from art forgery to buy an old lard and treacle warehouse and convert it into a rabbit warren of studios and homes for his many lovers, friends, and fellow artists and other creative types, musicians, writers and general dropouts and misfits, now known as the Powerhouse. One foul day, Edrigo has a Vision of sustainable living and how it will only be achieved after the industrial world has collapsed. Although it's already collapsing, if they can help it to collapse sooner rather than later, they will help Mother Earth to recover her biodiversity more easily and as fully as possible. Edrigo and the Misfits must put all their creative and other energies into helping that collapse along and getting ready for it themselves, by growing food, gorilla gardening, and preparing for a much simpler, more natural, locally based way of life. Common sense, in other words. They set about all sorts of Post Industrial Disruptive mischief...
CHAPTER FIVE - THE REBIRTH OF REJENIFFUR
Meanwhile, in the last local remnant of ancient forest, another being is stirring awake. The Tidal Wave of Change sweeping around the world has woken an Earth goddess, nothing less than the spirit of regeneration herself, Rejeniffur. She is welcomed back onto the Earth's surface again by her pack of wild, stray and rescue dogs. She charges them with looking after the forest while she herself heads down to the city, on that same Appointment with Destiny we heard about earlier. Drawn by irresistible forces of Fate and Lust she heads to a coffee shop, Eck's Place, where as it happens, King Magnus has just arrived. The two magnificent supernatural beings come together in a an epic event of love and carnal knowledge that soon has the entire shop thundering and cavorting along in tumultuous orgiastic harmony. The explosive climax leaves a scene of utter devastation - and no sign of the supernatural lovers at all...
It's into this chaotic scene that first Edrigo then, shortly after, Danny appears, both hoping for a quiet
moment with a large cup of coffee. It turns out that Danny isn't the only one to have had a rather trying morning. Edrigo tells him about his unusual adventures with a sexbot he has recently purchased, by the name of Sammy, which turned out to have some rather unexpected attachments. The snacks they have at Eck's Place aren't nearly enough to satisfy their hunger so they head round to Festerco's, the supermarket between their two homes.
CHAPTER SIX - FESTERCO'S EXTREME
Festerco's, we find, has recently been un-modernised in a Lohaz-Government re-wilding, fitness and health initiative. Its various aisles have been stocked and planted up to mimic all the different types of environment from which our food comes, bog, sea, mountain-top etc. and various kinds of prey and predator animals have been introduced, aurochs, antelopes, gnus, sabre-toothed tigers, rabbits, wolves, frogs etc. have been introduced into the store to give shoppers a convincing modern hunter-gatherer experience. Shoppers also have to keep an eye open here for the McCludgie family, who have gone feral, cannibal, and very, very filthy, and taken up residence between aisles seven and eight. Danny leaves Edrigo resting by the door, arms himself with a spear, machete and a wicker basket and heads into the leafy gloom. He hopes to sneak un-noticed past the McCludgies but accidentally hits one with a spear. This sets them all off chasing him through the leafy aisles, and what a terrific race it turns out to be. Danny manages to gather a good load of food but the McCludgies would have caught up with him right by the exit doors if Edrigo hadn't barraged them with tins of bargain beans and mango pulp, and if Lohaz policestormtroopers hadn't been waiting just outside to cover their escape. The policestormtroopers are in fact looking for Danny, because there is an emergency at Lohaz Industries and he has been summoned by none other than Lord Lozzo himself... well, well...
CHAPTER SEVEN - INTERMISSION
After all that frantic excitement, and to prepare us for more, we are now treated to a poem by Y.Y.
Miltoff-Chalky, "The Song of Cedric", which explains in a revolutionary new verse form and
incomprehensible dialect how the monkey wrench came to be invented, for the good of all mankind,
womankind and genderfluidkind.
CHAPTER EIGHT - THE RISE AND FALL OF THE TOWER OF LOZZO
We are plunged straight back into the tumultuous action - thank heavens we had a bit of a rest. Danny is whisked off by the policestormtroopers in their squad tank through the now rapidly collapsing streets of Foulburgh. Yes indeed, all hell is breaking loose, whole buildings are being swallowed up in giant cracks opening up everywhere, cracks which reveal glowing magma swishing around in their depths. They zoom through it all, pausing only to pick up some tools from Danny's workshop, to the very centre of the Lozzo empire, Lozzo Tower. The pace of the action now goes up to a kind of frantic frenzy... we meet Lord Lozzo himself in all his horribleness, on the top floor, in his office, surrounded by his lovely assistants. Apparently, the coffee machine has stopped working! How can they go into space without coffee? screams Lozzo... Space? wonders Danny... it emerges that Lozzo is planning to flee Earth in the top thirteen floors of his tower, which have been converted into a spaceship by aliens. Danny tries to fix the coffee machine with one of his sledgehammers but only manages to smash it to bits, along with some of the spaceship's guidance equipment. More hell breaks loose as the spaceship takes off, there's sheep uncounting, (it would take too long to explain what they're doing here), an ethereal mechanic advisor, a sledgehammer fight between Danny and Lozzo during which they manage to smash up even more of the equipment and there's lots of consternation amongst the lovely assistants. Dearie, dearie me... The space-tower's engines shut down and it starts to drift back down to the Earth, well, to the sea in fact, into which it crashes. Lord Lozzo's desk hurtles across the office and smashes through the windows, taking Danny with it. Lozzo, cursing, and his tower, vanish beneath the storm-tossed waves while Danny finds that the desk is quite easily adapted for sea travel. With the knowledge he has picked up from reading comics, he soon has a sail, rudder and cabin rigged up and sails along quite happily, until he sails his way back onto land in the form of a beach. Colossal waves are breaking onto the shore and one of them holds him under, tumbling him around until he's quite sure that he's dying...
CHAPTER NINE - REX TO THE RESCUE
But no! He's gripped by the back of the neck and dragged out of the water. He has been rescued by what turns out to be a large, rather evolved dog, a Rescue Dog by the name of Rex. Rex rustles up shelter, a fire and food and treats Danny to some rescue dog wisdom, until he falls asleep, quite quickly. The next morning, Danny finds that he too is evolving and has the beginnings of fur! Not only that, but the organ which left him the day before has started to grow back. Well, well, what next?... What's next is that Rex guides Danny on a journey back on foot in the general direction of Foulburgh. Rex treats Danny to more rescue dog wisdom concerning veganism, the amazing intelligence of birds, and much, much more. Rex has been sent to look after Danny by Rejeniffur, who appears to them on the way as a giant, hazy presence, helping the mono-crop disaster fields to regenerate their natural biodiversity in a magnificent display of the life force in action. On the way they visit an abandoned farm and reflect on the way of industrial farming, and on the disastrous attitude to life lying behind it. Later that evening they come to a grove of willow trees and see a haggard figure slumped against one of the trunks - it's the aged shadow of King Magnus! Well I never... There follows a moving scene in which King Magnus departs our Earthly realm. Rejeniffur appears in human form and they embrace for one last time. His last request is for a proper funeral, befitting the last of Earth's monarchs, and Rex, Danny and Rejeniffur give him exactly that, sending his body off out to sea on a blazing longboat, while all along the shores nobles and common folk from all the ages gather and join in, blowing and hammering on a vast assemblage of wind instruments and drums as the last king's mortal remains slip away into the darkness and depths of rolling space-time.
CHAPTER TEN - INTO THE WOODS
The next morning, Rex leads the way again, off across more fields regenerating their natural foresty
nature and up into the hills where we meet a very interesting character, an old sage, who has a remarkable tale to tell about how he left the city long ago and, little by little, made a life for himself out in the woods. He has made his own home, partly with bits and pieces from a crashed aeroplane he
found, and from woodland poles and stuff. He grows his own food and gets pretty much everything else he needs from the magical area around him, which he calls area ZX47, after a number painted on the fuselage of the plane. The sage, Luciano, was joined some time previously by a lovely lady, Fungella-Mycelia, and then by a steady trickle of others who settled down nearby, but not too nearby, all of them living in a kind of partnership with the woods, as another element of them, not just sustainably but regeneratively. You might have thought it was a village, but it was really more of an attitude. Rex and Danny head off again, visit a few more people living harmoniously with nature, and have another bit of an adventure on the wasteland that lies just on the outskirts of Foulburgh itself. They hear strange, loud slurping and slithering sounds in the night, passing close by... is it some kind of monster about to eat them? Well, you'll just have to read the book to find out. Later that day they find themselves looking down from a ridge onto the ruins of Foulburgh.
CHAPTER ELEVEN - BACK TO THE CITY
Foulburgh now looks much greener. Rex and Danny walk on down through houses with gardens that have escaped their walls and fences and are running away in all directions. There seems to be no traffic, just people walking, or on bicycles or horses. Danny's flat has survived the Total Collapse of Everything and so has the Powerhouse, in fact the latter is now surrounded by gardens and has more gardens growing up and all over it. It's a funny thing, but the sustainable way of life in the city looks very similar to the sustainable way of life out in the countryside, and I hope readers notice that. There's a wonderful reunion when Danny meets Edrigo again and they tell each other about their adventures. Edrigo has evolved fur too, bright red naturally, and also furbreoptics, a very useful feature for camouflage and entertainment. Edrigo tells us about Tammy, Sammy the sexbot's newly-acquired lover, and how they have both become very helpful post-industrial and artistic assistants. Then... what do you know!... Danny meets Anika Mekanika, quite by chance, and they form an instant friendship based on mutual respect etc. in spite of the snoring. One evening, Danny and Anika are relaxing in the exotic mock classical erotic decor of Danny's flat when there comes a knock on the door...
CHAPTER TWELVE - THE LAND OF THE NUMPTIKS
A mysterious visitor has come looking for Danny's help, having read about him in his book... even
before it was published! It is the tall, black-robed, travel-tattered figure of Megohm, who has journeyed all the way from the Land of the Numptiks. She is looking for help, for some way in which she and her Numptikland sisters can free themselves from the oppressive, regressive, repressive, stupid, brutal, misogynistic, un-evolved behaviour of their disgusting, smelly, ugly menfolk. Danny and Anika and everyone else who hears about this state of affairs want to head straight over to Numptikland and sledgehammer the shit out of those stupid Numptik men but realise, after a moment's reflection, that this would only lead to more violence and stupidity. Instead, they call a conference of all the wisest people around, during which the idea is born to infiltrate the Numptik men's dreams with beams of dreams designed to make them feel what it is like to be one of their women, or a member of an LGBTQETC minority. This technique begins to work almost straight away but we don't pursue that storyline any further just now because... it's... Party Time!
Yes indeed, there's a wonderful party in, around and on top of the Powerhouse. Survivors of the
Total Collapse of Everything arrive from all around to celebrate still being alive with music, snacks,
dancing, food and drink galore. The music is still throbbing away when Danny and Anika finally get
back to his flat. They're just settling in when there's another knock on the door... who on Earth can it
be this time? It's a very strange being indeed... some kind of duck-person thing, speaking incoherently with an incomprehensible accent, let's just call it Incoherable Duck... and this is where we're going to leave our story for now, because although there's loads of loose ends we've come to...
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